Archive for the ‘comedy’ Tag

Losing my touch

Monday, August 13th, 2012

Well, here I am, sitting down at my dads restaurant and eating a spinach chicken quesadilla and sadly writing and ranting about random things that I only tell my best friends about… And you.

But I feel like I am losing my touch about a lot of things and I’m becoming far more irritable at certain people because of it. Truth is, I don’t even know what’s driving me to the point of acting like this. Could it be that I’ve finally had enough of all the crass and the games in my life? Could it be the fact that I was just used one time to many? Or could I just be going through a spell of meanness and everything should be perfectly fine?

I don’t know but I feel like its getting to me.

I’m not much for being clingy or anything, but remember that guy I wrote about in the previous post? The daddy? Well, it’s all been going pretty nice and dandy…over text message. And the other one I’m interested in meeting keep sending me the one word answers like

” hey what are you up too? Pretty hot day isn’t it?”


“What are you up too?”


“OMG! I’m totally going to go on a fun trip up to Fresno pretty soon? Care to tag along?”


“ok, are you even interested in actually meeting me?”

“yep…I would love to eat you out. I can eat ass for days yumm.”

“OK, we should hang out first, lol”


This is what I’m being subjected too and it’s frankly not getting anywhere, and it’s been like this for the past month and a half. And it irritates the fuck out of me! Usually I would’ve just stopped communicating with him but I am probably just grasping at straws right now.

The next one, I accidentally stood up or as I like to. Sugar coat it as missed connection. I had invited a guy to come drink with me after work last night. He strangely, agreed to do it and I was looking forward to it the whole work day. Here comes 11 PM and I quickly change into something cute at work and drive myself to the bar….

… And he’s not there..

oh great! I tell myself, I got stood up. After flinging my gross ass BK dinner back into my bag and the anger started boiling snide of me after waiting over an hour, the bartender comes up to me and says if I was waiting for someone. To which I proceeded to say
yes, I was,

OH HE WAS HERE EARLIER!!! you had just missed him

goddamnit FUCK ME!! I had not only wasted my time for an hour, I had just stood someone up unintentionally. The best part was the fact that he even took up my offer and actually SHOWED UP TO THE BAR!! I was now mad at myself for missing that. Rumor has it he’s still interested.

The other one, from this weeks previous post, is still chatting me up and the options are still open, but I work opposite schedules and eventually getting back together with him just seems to be getting smaller and smaller. But I’m still fighting to hang out with him, and it kills me to know that it won’t be happening this week either because of my fucked up work schedule. The more I plan on doing something, the more fucked up my work week becomes, like the gods are conspiring against me. what the fuck am I supposed to do?? am I supposed to live my life as a hermit? At least in LA, I got as much dick as I wanted, why is it that much harder to actually do something out here in the forest? Prudeness? I think not.

only in this town do straight guys sleep with gay guys and not call it homosexual

I’m sorry,but if you agreed to have sex with a guy, be it once or twice, but that act alone is in fact homosexual. Then turn around right afterwards and say.. Nah, I’m still straight, fuck you next week?


Not prudes at all, just a town of repressed sexuality.
btw, I dont sleep with straight men, my gay friend does…and he ONLY sleeps with straight men
Makes you think right…. But that’s another conversation for another blog post.

I just want to put on my pair of banana socks on again and have a good week..




Attack of the Superficial Gay Guy

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Christmas day, I was spending it with my dad and my sister and our stepmom. Everything was going great that day, my dad got his cycling bike, his golf kit and I got a lot of home decor stuff and some trinket for my iPad. We had thanksgiving dinner and everything was alright.

It wasn’t until later that night when this story took place:

It was somewhere between talking about the iPhone 4S and watching how the Grinch stole Christmas was when I received that message on Facebook. Do you ever have those moments when you think to yourself how people live in certain parts of the city and how they have their stereotypical “weho” gay guys this is one of them.

West Hollywood is full of the most superficial gay guys you’ll ever come across. They have chiseled perfect bodies.
They have amazing asses.
They have amazing jawbone structures.
They have a 32 pack given it was physically possible for them to have that.

And it breeds the most superficial fags in the entire world. One wrong look their way and you’re guaranteed a gay death in an instant for ever be banishing you from the world of the gays in Hollywood. Now I realize I don’t have that god like body , and I realize that I can enjoy a good hamburger every so often, and I know that I do not weigh 40 pounds, and I know that I don’t have an ass, but still I managed to have dignity. If you’re able to rock these guys worlds by showing 1 inch of breaking the cookie-cutter mold, they go ape sh*t …guaranteed.

I have a really good friend who granted, was supposedly going to date one of my other supposedly good friend (and I don’t know what good friends are in West Hollywood if you’re only met this person once your whole life). And that’s when the story begins.

I was watching that scene in How The Grinch Stole Christmas (where the Grinch is up on the mountain with the sleigh and is getting ready to push it over the mountain when he hears the people in whoville start to sing) when I open a Facebook and I find the strangest message:


I was shocked! Absolutely shocked at what I had just read. in my mind I must’ve read it five or six times when it finally hit me I am talking to a superficial guy of course. And a vengeful one at that. Hell hath no fury like a fag scorned. And OOHHHH boy this is so true especially when he comments kept coming…


One thing that a lot of the gays in weho don’t know how to do is fight. And especially, if you’ve been growing up in the woods of some back assed town roping pigs and cows, then you know how to really…really…..REALLY slap a bitch. Unfortunately for me, he was in palm springs at the time. If he had said this to my face, I would’ve lost it and maybe even taken a jab with a few words of honesty about his little pudgy sack of 2 percent body fat he. Was growing under his chin.


You can make fun of a guy guys weight, his way of speaking, his queen attitude, and all sorts of definitions for calling him a slut. But you must never, ever insult his double chin. Many honorable and unnamed fag hags have died over this fatal mistake.


The insults kept coming and I didn’t know how to respond. Well, I actually did hold my ground because I think I’m not terribly bad looking. I have a very positive outlook on life and I actually believe that there is more to life than looks. People spend so much time fixated, not just the gays, but everyone, on looks, on skin. We spend most of the time looking at something that rots in the end. We spend our time looking at something that is constantly changing. The physical always changes, like a fluid, passing through a penis, faster than a bitch can blink.


Anyway, a personality is much more stable and much more consistent than the body, because believe it or not my fellow gays, your partner, over time, won’t care about your looks, what he has to tolerate will be your queen attitude. Your demanding and perfectionist attitude that won’t allow you to eat more than a leaf of lettuce once a week. I myself like a guy that actually enjoys life, and isn’t a slave to his body. I know that there are plenty of attractive people who actually don’t go to the gym 6 days a week, 8 hours a day and eat only lettuce on that 7th day of rest. amen…right?

For example, I like my men to be, let’s not beat around the bush here, but I would for sure hop the bones of a Burberry model any given day, but I’m realistic. I can get a good looking guy for a one night fling, but so can everyone else. I want a stable relationship, and that to me, won’t happen if the personality is that of a cold pile of crap. I want someone that can light up my life like a juju berry (for those of the Zelda persuasion).

I want someone average that can surprise moe daily with kind gestures and feelings. There is no such thing as setting the bar to low in this situation. I’m expecting the least from someone, and allowing them to show me what they got. I’m not judgmental by doing this, I’m not being superficial about this, I’m just letting it happen as it comes. By expecting nothing, I will not be let down.

We can all have otherworldly expectations for the people we meet, and most of the time it’s those expectations, especially in that world of the godly bodied ” we hoes “, is a setup for a huge letdown.

Luckily the guys I’ve met have been attractive, not in the weho type of way either. They all have had personality and I’ve been touched (in more ways than one) by there actions and kindness towards me. I must be doing something right.

I know I don’t have the weho look, I’m far from it. And I’m proud, why?

Because I’m not insecure about my looks.
I’m not competing for attention.
I’m not vain (much)
I’m not heartless.
I don’t play games.

Yeah, I’m not like the weho guys.

Thank god.