That cooking feeling.

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

Ever had that moment that in order to keep someone you have to bring out your best Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart to keep a man? These days I’ve been feeling just like that. What I did or what motivated me to cook like a 1950’s woman was brought on by a sheet nostalgia for doing what it is that I did for my guy a few years back. But as I was roasting the made from scratch lasagna I started thinking: Is it possible to become so nostalgic, so desperate, or maybe…just maybe, out of habit cook your partners favorite foods?

Yes

I was fucked.

Maybe because it was the fact that I had shamelessly slept with him the night before in his cousins guest house in Fresno? Maybe it was the fact that I had forgotten how good it was being around him so much? Or maybe it was the fucking umm….awesome happy time we spent in those few hours? Either way, I was put in wife mode. And for a while it was worth it. It’s like a high that you get and the cooking is the comedown before you hit bottom again and become sad. But this time I wasn’t sad. It felt like a new start! We actually began talking again like normal people…like a couple again. Sure it was a little awkward at first, but why wouldn’t it be, the guy leaves for months and isn’t heard from again, but every once in a while he’ll pop in to say hello, as a way to say don’t forget me I’m still here, which bothered me. But not so much anymore. It felt like all the Ryan’s, all the Tim’s, all the Chris’s, all the Austin’s… Didn’t matter anymore. It was now just me and HIM.
Like old times.

This can’t be good.

The Text Message runaround

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

A I write this post, I’m starting to think that the blogs here are starting to resemble some sort of failed romance attempt on multiple levels, but it’s hard to rid one of something like what I am about to write. I’m also going to give this topic a poll and see what you guys think about my situation. So to get into this story, I have to venture back to November of 2011.

Know those situations when fate decides to tempt you and you meet someone directly by chance? This is exactly what happened, I had a friend, who sent me a picture of himself for his birthday, it wasn’t a dirty picture, in fact it was. Fun one of him holding up a present, and he accidentally sent it to a group of people, and my response was sent out as well. It was during one of these responses that I got to meet this new guy, who was intrigued by my lifestyle and my performing nature. We hit it off via texting very well and he went as far as adding ME on Facebook.

After texting for what was about a month, we finally met. He invited me over to his place for dinner and a massage. He told mere was going to star in a play rendition of the Wizard of Oz. and everything seemed nice. He listened and seemed very interested in my stories and in my lifestyle and I thought I had found what I was looking for, but I was cautious. I turn, we ended up sleeping and cuddling together (and got a little bit of hand action too) but in the morning, I said my byes and drove back home.

I had continued to text him and we continued to make plans to hang out. And on one occasion, I even went to see him after spending 20 bucks to see his play. I shook his hand afterwards and after that night I had made my way home. He then sent me a text. Thanking me for coming and he would love to hang out with me after his play had finished its run. I had agreed.

Christmas came and went and since the play I had received nothing. It was the runaround from this guy soon afterwards.

ME: hey its karaoke time on Saturday wanna come?
HIM : no I got a Disneyland trip coming I’ll be gone for a few days.

Another instance:

ME: i got nothing better to do, I’m going into town wanna grab a coffee or something?
HIM: I got plans, some of my friends are coming over for lunch.

Another instance:

ME: hey, my birthday is coming up! I saw that you are a fan of bowling! I’ve never been bowling,would you care to teach me for my birthday

no answer came

Another instance:

ME: happy new years!
no answer came

Another instance:

ME: did you have a good new years party?
HIM: yep, u?
ME: yes it was ok. I got to play monopoly with my kid sister. I have a millennium edition set I got back in 1998. Gets me through every new years. It’s a beautiful set, yeah I know I’m a nerd. My birthday is coming up soon though! Would you like to teach me as a gift?

no answer came

I was starting to get fed up with this behaviors so I decided to push him a little bit a few days later.

ME: wanna come to karaoke on Saturday night or next saturday night?

HIM: hi 🙂 I’ll need to check. I’m kinda seeing someone (someone from my past) and will need to check with schedules.

ME: ok. Because I wanted to see if you were down for karaoke.

HIM: I don’t but it’s fun to watch. Karaoke had never been my thing…I’m like the only theatre guy I know that doesn’t.

ME: yeah. Which is why it would be cool to have you come watch, you wouldn’t have to sing. It’s cheap bar though. I would be awesome if you could. For me?

HIM: I’m not drinking 😦 new years res

ME: lol well you could come for the support. I only drink cokes there. You make good company. Lol and you seem cool which is why I’m inviting you. To see how I shake up a conservative town…witness the magic.

HIM: 🙂

ME: so it would be cool to have you come. I turn it theatrical. Let’s plan it. Look over your schedule I took time to see your play, which rocked! Now you could see me in my element (sorta)

HIM: oh,ok…

ME: lol. My actual element is my burlesque show. I king of that castle. But that’s not until a few months into the year. So for now, this has to do. I bring outfits either way.

HIM: so I’m not sure if I like that last text about you taking time to come see my play. Kinda rubbed me the wrong way

ME: oh I didn’t mean it like that. I meant to say it another way. I didn’t mean to make it sound like a snuff or anything like a trade for trade. Sorry about that one. I just thought it would be cool to have the guy who played ________ come see me perform.

HIM: it’s cool… I know tone and text don’t go hand in hand.

ME: It would be honoring actually to see you up here. Lol I know right anyway, I’m going to work now. Karaoke is every wends and Saturday. I have 2 weeks to get it out of my system before I get back to LA to shoot the videos. I’m guessing Saturdays work best for you because of school nights. So there’s this Saturday and next Saturday. Let me know when you could make it before I leave.

HIM: cool, chat soon 🙂

Thats where I left it. Sounds like he will be a no show to this party, and the fact that he is seeing another guy doesn’t even bother me, it’s the fact that I feel professionally snubbed that bothers me. Am I wrong here? Do I have a right to ask him for that at least? Is it wrong to want that?

I do remember him saying that he wasn’t the relationship type of guy. So yeah, that also caught me by surprise but there was also a text last week where he mentioned going on a dinner date (another snub). I’m moving on from this guy. But not before I called his good friend, the one who introduced me to him accidentally via picture message…..

And what his friend told me, was basically the same story I told him, he goes on these on and off again chases where he doesn’t know what he wants. And he gave me some wise words and we both opened up about this guy and what we felt towards him, we both admitted that we did in fact start to fall for him, and stuff. And that this new guy he’s seeing isn’t in fact someone his past, it’s someone new who is about to go on and continue his cycle of churning out guys.

He has a good heart, but doesn’t know he hurts people like this. Funny thing is, I was having dreams of him being a serial killer and ended up killing me in my dream. Maybe an ode to things that came to this? Who knows. But. Friend did give me a comforting word of advice

You never know what you want until you hit rock bottom…

So true.

Sound off in comments with your thoughts.

A love note to all the Ryans in the world

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

I fucking have a knack for finding the weird Ryan’s of the world. I know that all of the Ryan’s aren’t like this but once again, it’s me we are talking about, and I happen to attract the weird ones.

The first experience I had with a Ryan was with some guy I went to school with. Since 7th grade I was sure this kid liked me. And not in that best friend in high school sort of way. He actually tried getting into my pants while at school and on the school bus. Needless to say this guy was but ugly and a super nerd. I gently refused his offer and extended my hand as an offering of friendship instead. He would continue to deny me a friendship and continued to persue me, and I continued to turn him down. After a few rounds of this he then began circulating rumors. Small ones at first, then bigger and bigger and he would tell kids that I slept with him and that I was a nasty dirty hoe in bed. (that part he did get right). So this continued until graduation. I just shook it off.

My next experience with the demon named Ryan came in the form of a former BF:

FROM A PREVIOUS POSTING:
This person I was with was caring and loved me. We did have sex, numerous times and we built a trust and eventually had sex without condoms. Everything was perfect. This person was older, now 33. And was on a cane due to back issues. I overlooked that because I was in love. I would visit often, with gifts. I introduced him to my sister and my good friends.

And this poor sap uses his grandfathers death to break up with me. I didn’t know we where finished at this point, but all communication had stopped for almost a month.
I finally gave him an ultimatum through the phone. And I get a text that says that he found someone else. And I just didn’t fit into his life. He should’ve told me this sooner so I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself. He eventually came to tell me that I bothered him with my visits and that we where never seeing each other.

I moved on. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I’ve got someone else now. Someone who really has an interest in me and someone who wants to spend the time to get to know me for who I am as a person. And is not a wreched tool like he was. I did love him. It hurts, but I’m better off without him.

I never liked your prissy high class musical tastes anyway. Prick. I hope you have time being with your “court” and your faggy ways. I hope that because of your actions your “Gay Duke” status gets taken away. And then your sorry ass gets dumped. Just like you did to me. Karma is a bitch man, and she’s got her eye on you.

I thought I was rid of the Ryan’s of the world until a few years later down the line flash forward to 2010. I met on Adam4adam a so called Ryan. Ryan was a cool guy that lived in LA, a few miles from me (about 5) in LA 5 miles is basically, a one hour drive in the city, but I endured it and met this Ryan.

Behold, the perfect sign of a bad hookup was apperant the second I saw him. This Ryan was Palestinian, and pissed. (and a raging alcoholic) he lived in a back refurnished room in the garage, and listened to led zeppelin and all sorts of classic rock jams. He was smart, good looking, and always drunk, so at least he would know how to fuck right?!

Everything was awesome. The way he spoke German to me was flawless and his knowledge of LA was astounding. I was hooked! Not to mention he had a huge boner heart. But the interesting thing about him was his ability to only get off and become hard when he started to choke me, pretty damn hard. And then he proceeded to give me the look of death and I was sure that in the morning, they were going to find my filleted body in a ditch black dahlia style. Needless to say. I was stupid enough to go back for more…

I know, I was askin for it. I would finish my day from work and I would text him about coming over at least 2 times a week, I wasn’t looking for a BF, just a constant FB. I had found it in this guy. He was attractive, but angry at the works for some reason and I could never pin point it as to what exactly. But I was getting a rush testing the waters of Ryan. I had only 5 sexual encounters with this guy, and they were good, but it was the fact that he was very rough with me that prohibited me from returning on a more constant basis. Also, he would really like my hair and made me well aware at how good it was. Be was testy, and mean and wished death to everyone.

But I thought it was hot.

Hmm… Come to think about it, Ryan’s aren’t really that bad………..

I need to get me another Ryan real soon….

A love note to all the Tim’s of the world

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

I hate you…

Yes I said it. I have managed to find some sort of correlation to the people that wrong me and the name Tim. Tim is my rival for eternity. I don’t know if I have wronged a Tim in a previous life, but for some reason I find myself being screwed over by Tim everywhere. (not all the Tim have done this to me,but a good 90% majority have done so).

Let me explain :

To the fool who used to trash can me and terrorize me in middle school and well into high school by dumping me into the dumpster every week, it was a Tim.

To the idiot who stole my very first boyfriend away after 3 years of dedicated happiness, Tim.

To the jackass dentist that accidentally picked my tongue with his pick and caused me a lot of pain, Dr. Tim.

To the man who’s boyfriend caused him to call me a fat ass gay sad person…Tim.

See why Tims plague me? It’s too uncanny how the people who have managed to get under my skin have all shared that name. Perhaps it’s fate? Devine intervention? Or just coincidence. Either way I think I’m developing a certain type of phobia,

A fucking Timopheliac is what I’m becoming.

It’s rediculous. If I meet a guy with that name, I cringe and await his handshake to crush my perfectly manicured and trimmed hands with some sort of soul sucking power of death. Naturally I have become quite rebellious and hesitant to give any Tim a chance because of this, but I have yet to meet a nice genuine Tim. I hope I do.

On Breaking Up

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Here is a blog entry I found from another blog as I do believe that it is a valid point and they seem very heartfelt about what they went through. Also, its kind of funny. so read on and let me know in comments.

So. I am single again. I broke up with someone about 2 weeks ago. And I can’t believe that something like this would happen so quickly. And I thought that I was going to be the one that was going to have to call it off.

But this solidly puts it in stone, people are not who they appear to be.

And this is true.

This person I was with was caring and loved me. We did have sex, numerous times and we built a trust and eventually had sex without condoms. Everything was perfect. This person was older, now 33. And was on a cane due to back issues. I overlooked that because I was in love. I would visit often, with gifts. I introduced him to my sister and my good friends.

And this poor sap uses his grandfathers death to break up with me. I didn’t know we where finished at this point, but all communication had stopped for almost a month.
I finally gave him an ultimatum through the phone. And I get a text that says that he found someone else. And I just didn’t fit into his life. He should’ve told me this sooner so I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself. He eventually came to tell me that I bothered him with my visits and that we where never seeing each other.

I moved on. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I’ve got someone else now. Someone who really has an interest in me and someone who wants to spend the time to get to know me for who I am as a person. And is not a wreched tool like he was. I did love him. It hurts, but I’m better off without him.

I never liked your prissy high class musical tastes anyway. Prick. I hope you have time being with your “court” and your faggy ways. I hope that because of your actions your “Gay Duke” status gets taken away. And then your sorry ass gets dumped. Just like you did to me. Karma is a bitch man, and she’s got her eye on you.

Enjoy life fucker.

I’ve got someone else now. Someone who won’t break my heart like you did. And someone who doesn’t think of himself as high class shit. Don’t call me when your life is fucked. Because I don’t talk or waste my time with tools and scum like you. I’m honest. I Wont deal with you.

I had to deal with all of your physical ailements and I don’t know how I was able to handle it like I did, you are hard to take care of. I got in the way of sex and in doing your errands. Trust me, you better deal with that back fast mr. Because if not, I don’t see your poor new boy toy lasting very long. Don’t drop him like dirty clothing like you did to me. Or him to you. Someone like you deserves to be alone. Alone in your pain and misery. I don’t know how I fell in love with you in the first place.

Oh wait! Because I didn’t. I felt sorry for you. But you used me.

And now I’m with someone better. Someone who cares.

NOW I said my peace.

Have a good life fucker.

What I want to do

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

http://yosemiteziptours.com/

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Why is this funny to me!

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

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Attack of the Superficial Gay Guy

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Christmas day, I was spending it with my dad and my sister and our stepmom. Everything was going great that day, my dad got his cycling bike, his golf kit and I got a lot of home decor stuff and some trinket for my iPad. We had thanksgiving dinner and everything was alright.

It wasn’t until later that night when this story took place:

It was somewhere between talking about the iPhone 4S and watching how the Grinch stole Christmas was when I received that message on Facebook. Do you ever have those moments when you think to yourself how people live in certain parts of the city and how they have their stereotypical “weho” gay guys this is one of them.

West Hollywood is full of the most superficial gay guys you’ll ever come across. They have chiseled perfect bodies.
They have amazing asses.
They have amazing jawbone structures.
They have a 32 pack given it was physically possible for them to have that.

And it breeds the most superficial fags in the entire world. One wrong look their way and you’re guaranteed a gay death in an instant for ever be banishing you from the world of the gays in Hollywood. Now I realize I don’t have that god like body , and I realize that I can enjoy a good hamburger every so often, and I know that I do not weigh 40 pounds, and I know that I don’t have an ass, but still I managed to have dignity. If you’re able to rock these guys worlds by showing 1 inch of breaking the cookie-cutter mold, they go ape sh*t …guaranteed.

I have a really good friend who granted, was supposedly going to date one of my other supposedly good friend (and I don’t know what good friends are in West Hollywood if you’re only met this person once your whole life). And that’s when the story begins.

I was watching that scene in How The Grinch Stole Christmas (where the Grinch is up on the mountain with the sleigh and is getting ready to push it over the mountain when he hears the people in whoville start to sing) when I open a Facebook and I find the strangest message:

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I was shocked! Absolutely shocked at what I had just read. in my mind I must’ve read it five or six times when it finally hit me I am talking to a superficial guy of course. And a vengeful one at that. Hell hath no fury like a fag scorned. And OOHHHH boy this is so true especially when he comments kept coming…

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One thing that a lot of the gays in weho don’t know how to do is fight. And especially, if you’ve been growing up in the woods of some back assed town roping pigs and cows, then you know how to really…really…..REALLY slap a bitch. Unfortunately for me, he was in palm springs at the time. If he had said this to my face, I would’ve lost it and maybe even taken a jab with a few words of honesty about his little pudgy sack of 2 percent body fat he. Was growing under his chin.

INTERESTING FACT:

You can make fun of a guy guys weight, his way of speaking, his queen attitude, and all sorts of definitions for calling him a slut. But you must never, ever insult his double chin. Many honorable and unnamed fag hags have died over this fatal mistake.

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The insults kept coming and I didn’t know how to respond. Well, I actually did hold my ground because I think I’m not terribly bad looking. I have a very positive outlook on life and I actually believe that there is more to life than looks. People spend so much time fixated, not just the gays, but everyone, on looks, on skin. We spend most of the time looking at something that rots in the end. We spend our time looking at something that is constantly changing. The physical always changes, like a fluid, passing through a penis, faster than a bitch can blink.

Sorta.

Anyway, a personality is much more stable and much more consistent than the body, because believe it or not my fellow gays, your partner, over time, won’t care about your looks, what he has to tolerate will be your queen attitude. Your demanding and perfectionist attitude that won’t allow you to eat more than a leaf of lettuce once a week. I myself like a guy that actually enjoys life, and isn’t a slave to his body. I know that there are plenty of attractive people who actually don’t go to the gym 6 days a week, 8 hours a day and eat only lettuce on that 7th day of rest. amen…right?

For example, I like my men to be, let’s not beat around the bush here, but I would for sure hop the bones of a Burberry model any given day, but I’m realistic. I can get a good looking guy for a one night fling, but so can everyone else. I want a stable relationship, and that to me, won’t happen if the personality is that of a cold pile of crap. I want someone that can light up my life like a juju berry (for those of the Zelda persuasion).

I want someone average that can surprise moe daily with kind gestures and feelings. There is no such thing as setting the bar to low in this situation. I’m expecting the least from someone, and allowing them to show me what they got. I’m not judgmental by doing this, I’m not being superficial about this, I’m just letting it happen as it comes. By expecting nothing, I will not be let down.

We can all have otherworldly expectations for the people we meet, and most of the time it’s those expectations, especially in that world of the godly bodied ” we hoes “, is a setup for a huge letdown.

Luckily the guys I’ve met have been attractive, not in the weho type of way either. They all have had personality and I’ve been touched (in more ways than one) by there actions and kindness towards me. I must be doing something right.

I know I don’t have the weho look, I’m far from it. And I’m proud, why?

Because I’m not insecure about my looks.
I’m not competing for attention.
I’m not vain (much)
I’m not heartless.
I don’t play games.

Yeah, I’m not like the weho guys.

Thank god.

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When a cowboy strikes

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Thursday 10:35 P.M.
Miners Inn Bar & Lounge

Well, how do I put this? The other night I was just minding my own business as I always do, doing the things I always do, and sitting alone at the bar like I always do. I remember wearing something non flashy or eye catching (usually I do but every so often I like to fly under the radar) when someone I have never seen before approaches me after I had sung my Adele song.

“Can I talk to you in private? I want to ask you something.”

Immediately, I was thinking this adorable cowboy was going to take me outside and do one of 2 things:

1. He was gonna try to beat me up…

    Or

2. He would ask me to try and beat him off.

Given my mood that night and my blatant desires for some action, I was looking forward to the latter so I took him up on his offer and followed him outside.

I’m such a whore

Outside he gave me his card and his number, the guy had just moved from some Midwest part of the states and had settled down to open up a small studio out in Bass Lake. How awesome he got to do that right? He asked me if I would be very interested in recording some music with him (unaware that I have a current contract with a friend) but what they know won’t hurt them, so I took his card and continued to converse. But there was something else…I was feeling something else…but what was it?

That whole night I would watch him sing, and when I got up to sing, he would watch me too. But I was trying to read this cowboy and what his intentions were. He was really cute, and given the chance, I could’ve possibly jumped on his bones, and I was planning on it but I wasn’t sure. Every once in. While we would catch each others eyes and he would flashes mile that would melt my heart and give me an instant hard on. I did nothing needless to say. And I went home around 2 AM and got in my PJ’s.

The next morning I took a good look at his card and took down his name and his number and saved it into my phone. I wanted to contact him again and later that day I did and I got a response. I had offered to invite him over to my place were I was legitimately going to offer him a copy of my music and a good Q&A session.

“so I was thinking about your offer last night. What if I invite yo over to my place and I can give you a copy of my music so you can listen to it and let me know what you think about it.”

Smooth way of disguising your intentions to hookup …errr…have a meeting with this guy. I had to face the facts, first of all he was a cowboy straight as an arrow, and from what I heard, he had a girlfriend who recently broke up with him so I didn’t even have a right to even try to make a move on this guy.

But he was so cute.

And then it hit me……..

I had seen this guy before! I don’t know where, but I was certain I had and I might’ve even chatted him up before, but I had to check once I got home after work. I hopped on my iPad and looked him up.

I googled him…
I Binged him…
I yahooed him…
I facebooked him…
I myspaced him…
I adam4adam’ed him…

NOTHING! Is like this guy didn’t exist at all! So I gave up on that search. if you don’t appear on any of these sites then, as a gay guy, you don’t really exist anyway. How the hell would you hookup?

I continued about my week, not contacting him anymore because I felt foolish in my intentions and lusts. A week went by and was feeling a tad bit horny so I hopped on the good ol Grindr and started chatting up the guys who live, at the closest, 45 miles from me (being on Grindr allows me to fantasize about these guys that live pretty far, sucks not having a Grindr guy in my own town).

I was looking at the cute profile pics of superficial guys when I saw the cowboy hat!

It was him!

I had found him…. Holy shit!

So I sent him the following message

“hey what’s up? Wanna fuck?”

I’m such a whore.

Small Town Icon

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

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Ever since returning from Los Angeles I have found out that I have become quite the town icon, for many reasons, both good and bad. I have a performance art style that is akin to Lady Gaga, including wearing insane and intricate outfits that never look ridiculous, but rather, astounding. I can hands down impress this community with my looks and my fashion so I eventually became an attraction at the local karaoke bar. Here, I would don these outfits and do all of my songs, and I would get the audience to dance and sing along, I’m one of the only ones who can do that because I demand stage presence and I control my crowds, it’s a talent I’ve been given, and with trial and errors, I’ve been able to perfect it as a tool.

So that’s when I have earned myself a style icon, a gay icon, and an inspirational icon.

Because of my demure and humble persona, I also gather respect from them. This is really cool and I hope to continue to do that for people in this town.