Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Didn’t realize had so many blogs!

Thursday, December 17th, 2015

I totally didn’t realize I had all those blogs floating around the internets. Time to compress and tie them together. So much content!


Can one recover from the “just a friend” syndrome?

Monday, December 31st, 2012

Is it possible to have a friend that cares for you, and likes you, and who still needs to sort out his life who decides that the whole “lets just be friends” card is the best, really turn back into a relationship? I know things look grim and I know that it is unspoken. But is it possible to rekindle the flame that’s there? It might be… But the problem is just that, his life isn’t sorted out. I would like to have hope, because I would love to have myself in a relationship and I would like to be. The one that has someone to cuddle with and talk too. I need that in my life. But as long as the ex is in the picture ill be just that… A friend.

They haven’t slept together in almost a year…and they haven’t even lived together in 6 months. To me that sounds like the relationship is done. Beat off the dead horse! But for some reason, that 8 year relationship … Like all those invested in them for that long have a tendency to do. But that’s my question…

As unclear as that is, my quests is this:

Can someone who you find a connection with recover from the “just friends slump”. Is the whole just friends scenario usually one that ruins all chances of intimacy? A relationship? Is the a good side of this assuming that he ends up breaking up with the ex?

In the given scenario above, if someone moves out of a place, they move 3 hours south and shack up with parents, get a new job and new friends, and begins to see other people, and doesn’t like the company of the person he left, and doesn’t even have sex with them…. Does that sound like a breakup??

Losing my touch

Monday, August 13th, 2012

Well, here I am, sitting down at my dads restaurant and eating a spinach chicken quesadilla and sadly writing and ranting about random things that I only tell my best friends about… And you.

But I feel like I am losing my touch about a lot of things and I’m becoming far more irritable at certain people because of it. Truth is, I don’t even know what’s driving me to the point of acting like this. Could it be that I’ve finally had enough of all the crass and the games in my life? Could it be the fact that I was just used one time to many? Or could I just be going through a spell of meanness and everything should be perfectly fine?

I don’t know but I feel like its getting to me.

I’m not much for being clingy or anything, but remember that guy I wrote about in the previous post? The daddy? Well, it’s all been going pretty nice and dandy…over text message. And the other one I’m interested in meeting keep sending me the one word answers like

” hey what are you up too? Pretty hot day isn’t it?”


“What are you up too?”


“OMG! I’m totally going to go on a fun trip up to Fresno pretty soon? Care to tag along?”


“ok, are you even interested in actually meeting me?”

“yep…I would love to eat you out. I can eat ass for days yumm.”

“OK, we should hang out first, lol”


This is what I’m being subjected too and it’s frankly not getting anywhere, and it’s been like this for the past month and a half. And it irritates the fuck out of me! Usually I would’ve just stopped communicating with him but I am probably just grasping at straws right now.

The next one, I accidentally stood up or as I like to. Sugar coat it as missed connection. I had invited a guy to come drink with me after work last night. He strangely, agreed to do it and I was looking forward to it the whole work day. Here comes 11 PM and I quickly change into something cute at work and drive myself to the bar….

… And he’s not there..

oh great! I tell myself, I got stood up. After flinging my gross ass BK dinner back into my bag and the anger started boiling snide of me after waiting over an hour, the bartender comes up to me and says if I was waiting for someone. To which I proceeded to say
yes, I was,

OH HE WAS HERE EARLIER!!! you had just missed him

goddamnit FUCK ME!! I had not only wasted my time for an hour, I had just stood someone up unintentionally. The best part was the fact that he even took up my offer and actually SHOWED UP TO THE BAR!! I was now mad at myself for missing that. Rumor has it he’s still interested.

The other one, from this weeks previous post, is still chatting me up and the options are still open, but I work opposite schedules and eventually getting back together with him just seems to be getting smaller and smaller. But I’m still fighting to hang out with him, and it kills me to know that it won’t be happening this week either because of my fucked up work schedule. The more I plan on doing something, the more fucked up my work week becomes, like the gods are conspiring against me. what the fuck am I supposed to do?? am I supposed to live my life as a hermit? At least in LA, I got as much dick as I wanted, why is it that much harder to actually do something out here in the forest? Prudeness? I think not.

only in this town do straight guys sleep with gay guys and not call it homosexual

I’m sorry,but if you agreed to have sex with a guy, be it once or twice, but that act alone is in fact homosexual. Then turn around right afterwards and say.. Nah, I’m still straight, fuck you next week?


Not prudes at all, just a town of repressed sexuality.
btw, I dont sleep with straight men, my gay friend does…and he ONLY sleeps with straight men
Makes you think right…. But that’s another conversation for another blog post.

I just want to put on my pair of banana socks on again and have a good week..



A Fatherly Affair Pt. II

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

The next morning was incredibly awkward. I had finally met the daughter he was much so raving about and she was pretty awesome. I actually liked her even thought I only met her for a full on minute.  But I’ve been there, I know what it’s like being that kid who sees a parent sleep with someone else who isn’t your mom (or in this case, dad). So I have m reservations and my respect for them. Because I am one of them.

That morning we watched a little bit of the olympics. and We just talked about stats in the living room and after that I finally went my way after all of the events of the previous 24 hours, I had finally decided that it was all worth it. I actually would like to be this guy’s friend, he is after all, a pretty awesome guy who has a pretty sweet job in the UC system and he drinks and isn’t stingy. WHATS NOT TO LIKE ABOUT HIM!  I drove home feeling a little bit more confident that I was when I first arrived in Merced. Mostly, beside the fact that I got some dick, I felt like I connected with someone who was just plain awesome and didn’t really care what anyone thought.

I love that about people.

We even felt completely enthusiastic and sincere about meeting up again in a week and doing something friend-esque. like going on trips and seeing new things. Those are things I never get to do very often and I would love doing them (even more so with a fun person, my  “intellectual”, lawyer ex was very “let’s do this but let’s be very rational and careful about playing miniature golf”) So I need someone spontaneous  and fun and carefree but responsible.

All these things raced in my mind and i was excited I found a new friend. I texted him

“Thank you for an awesome time” and he responded very positively about it.  And I continues on my way.

Lets see how this one plays out. sounds promising…

A Fatherly Affair Pt. I

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

Who would’ve thought! Me, Ricardo Gonzalez, go out and hang with a man that is slightly older than me? When I mean older, I’m talking about him being in his 40’s and me being in my mid 20’s. Thats not too big of a problem right? well, for the most part its not, really… It’s not. I met the guy in Merced last week and I gotta say, I was a little hesitant at first, but I bit the bullet and said, “what the heck Ricardo, why not? It’s not every day you get a day off and a chance to just not be bored out of your mind. You need a good distraction once in a  while”

So I did it.

I met this guy at his house and we actually hit it off pretty good (or at least I thought it was) It could’ve been the cranberry vodka cocktails, but I was feeling quite comfortable there speaking him up and listening to his stories. his dog was awesome. Soon enough, all aspects of my worries just melted away. (This usually doesn’t happen because fucking Ricardo has a habit of getting a little bit tooooooooo long winded in his conversations, but this time, I had met my match in that department and I was alright with it.) he was not bad looking at all so that helped. ( I don”t consider myself to be hot shit but I do have standards, albeit a little more realistic ones that others, but this guy could’ve been the Niles Hallowell Dhar of his time so I am not complaining at all.)  and he lives in a nice neighborhood and has a 20 year old daughter…….

yes, thats right a 20 year old daughter. Basically, shes the same age as my sister………


Still, I was ok with that. I was feeling rather “peculiar for cock” that day but after meeting him I wanted more than that, I actually wanted to know him and to understand his story and the feeling of wanting his bone didn’t even come up at all. I wanted to know what his daughter looked like and I wanted to just basically have a good friendship with him. And for the next 2 hours, we just drank and smoked cigarettes and laughed and talked some more. It was relaxing and I felt like he really was into me, including the fact that I was “ringmaster to a burlesque circus” and I told him exactly what I was and what I did right off the bat and he didn’t seem to mind.

Afterwards, as the sun was setting and the moon was rising, He asked me if I wanted to go out and maybe catch a few drinks at the local watering hole in Merced (which has many actually, but ehh, I’ll keep it short for the technicality of the situation) and we continued to drink the cranberry vodkas and we stopped by to eat a single taco, each of us. I felt at this point like a whore because I usually buy my own things and I have a weird feeling in my stomach when someone buys me… anything. But I was okay with it. He was cute and I liked his conversation. What more could I expect to make my night any better, I was already FAAAAAAAR from bored.

We took a stroll around the block and we talked some more and we returned to the bar and drank some more and even wanted to dance. (Some of my readers and friends will tell you right offf the bat, I hate dancing alone to music I’m not into ,but if you play the right songs, and Im in that mood, contrary to popular belief, I WILL dance, and i WILL dance WELL ( a facet of my personality I like to hide.)

So we drink and with one simple “Hey, Let’s dance?” I was ready to go dance it up. But right as we got ready to dance it was ruined by Gotye. Fuck you Gotye. get off the bloody dance floor You hipster motherfucker! 

So, This is where the night gets interesting. After going outside and taking a breather, we start to flirt a little more and more to the point that I hear him say “your getting naked in my bed.” I was okay with that, I’m actually pretty comfortable in my body so I was like, “ok”. So we then, sober (none of us got top the point of being buzzed so we all knew what we were doing) and he drove me to his place.

This is where the weirdness happens. First of all he tells me his daughter is home and she sleeps next to his room.

ok. I can deal with that.

We go into his room, play music and make out.

ok. I can deal with that.

He gets of top of me and begins grinding me.

Ok. I can deal with that.

He proceeds to take off our clothing and get hot and heavy in his bedroom with the door open.

ok. I can’t deal with that…at all.

my mind is going “oh shit oh shit!!” what if she catches us?!

I end up slipping that phrase out loud and he says.

“She knows you’re here”

oh Christ!

This must be what a parent feels like trying to have sex with a spouse.  really, but this feels so friggin good! Eventually, I made up my mind, if he doesn’t care about getting caught then I won’t either. fuck it!  We fucked.

The next morning I ran into said daughter…………….awkward.

That Cooking Feeling Pt. II

Friday, May 18th, 2012

So, I know it’s been a while since I last posted on this, and I swear I will do so more often, but I decided to come back and revisit a post I did about a month ago.

Well, I finally met the guy. In El Portal. While working at my dads taco truck. But that was it. I was hoping to get out of the truck long enough to say hi to him after my dads girlfriend took his order. That had made my day and I was so ecstatic that it had made my day awesome. I mean, come one… I got to stare at his butt all day looking out my serving window as I watched him serve beer. (He actually makes a really cute bartender) But When I finally got to leave my post and take a breather, I pulled out my wallet and made my way towards the makeshift bar and prepared my speech that I had practiced and since shelved for our first botched encounter. I had to fight my way to the bar and avoid the crowing of people and kids all wanting to get beers and sodas, but I finally made it.

Then I got served by a female bartender. just my friggin luck! I looked around to find him and nothing! I couldn’t find him, and to add salt to injury, it was the same girl who gave me the crazy look the first time I asked about him. But this time I had played it smooth. I casually asked about him and she had told me that he had gone home. Apparently , between 5 PM to 9-PM there is a need to have 2 shifts at a casual gathering event. I was floored!  I will never be able to meet the guy and he only works less that 100 feet from me! This is so frustrating. The guy knows who I am and he knows where I work. So from now on, if he really wants to meet me, then he should come to me.

That is all.

damnit, I guess I could always try again in 2 weeks.

That cooking feeling.

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

Ever had that moment that in order to keep someone you have to bring out your best Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart to keep a man? These days I’ve been feeling just like that. What I did or what motivated me to cook like a 1950’s woman was brought on by a sheet nostalgia for doing what it is that I did for my guy a few years back. But as I was roasting the made from scratch lasagna I started thinking: Is it possible to become so nostalgic, so desperate, or maybe…just maybe, out of habit cook your partners favorite foods?


I was fucked.

Maybe because it was the fact that I had shamelessly slept with him the night before in his cousins guest house in Fresno? Maybe it was the fact that I had forgotten how good it was being around him so much? Or maybe it was the fucking umm….awesome happy time we spent in those few hours? Either way, I was put in wife mode. And for a while it was worth it. It’s like a high that you get and the cooking is the comedown before you hit bottom again and become sad. But this time I wasn’t sad. It felt like a new start! We actually began talking again like normal people…like a couple again. Sure it was a little awkward at first, but why wouldn’t it be, the guy leaves for months and isn’t heard from again, but every once in a while he’ll pop in to say hello, as a way to say don’t forget me I’m still here, which bothered me. But not so much anymore. It felt like all the Ryan’s, all the Tim’s, all the Chris’s, all the Austin’s… Didn’t matter anymore. It was now just me and HIM.
Like old times.

This can’t be good.

The Text Message runaround

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

A I write this post, I’m starting to think that the blogs here are starting to resemble some sort of failed romance attempt on multiple levels, but it’s hard to rid one of something like what I am about to write. I’m also going to give this topic a poll and see what you guys think about my situation. So to get into this story, I have to venture back to November of 2011.

Know those situations when fate decides to tempt you and you meet someone directly by chance? This is exactly what happened, I had a friend, who sent me a picture of himself for his birthday, it wasn’t a dirty picture, in fact it was. Fun one of him holding up a present, and he accidentally sent it to a group of people, and my response was sent out as well. It was during one of these responses that I got to meet this new guy, who was intrigued by my lifestyle and my performing nature. We hit it off via texting very well and he went as far as adding ME on Facebook.

After texting for what was about a month, we finally met. He invited me over to his place for dinner and a massage. He told mere was going to star in a play rendition of the Wizard of Oz. and everything seemed nice. He listened and seemed very interested in my stories and in my lifestyle and I thought I had found what I was looking for, but I was cautious. I turn, we ended up sleeping and cuddling together (and got a little bit of hand action too) but in the morning, I said my byes and drove back home.

I had continued to text him and we continued to make plans to hang out. And on one occasion, I even went to see him after spending 20 bucks to see his play. I shook his hand afterwards and after that night I had made my way home. He then sent me a text. Thanking me for coming and he would love to hang out with me after his play had finished its run. I had agreed.

Christmas came and went and since the play I had received nothing. It was the runaround from this guy soon afterwards.

ME: hey its karaoke time on Saturday wanna come?
HIM : no I got a Disneyland trip coming I’ll be gone for a few days.

Another instance:

ME: i got nothing better to do, I’m going into town wanna grab a coffee or something?
HIM: I got plans, some of my friends are coming over for lunch.

Another instance:

ME: hey, my birthday is coming up! I saw that you are a fan of bowling! I’ve never been bowling,would you care to teach me for my birthday

no answer came

Another instance:

ME: happy new years!
no answer came

Another instance:

ME: did you have a good new years party?
HIM: yep, u?
ME: yes it was ok. I got to play monopoly with my kid sister. I have a millennium edition set I got back in 1998. Gets me through every new years. It’s a beautiful set, yeah I know I’m a nerd. My birthday is coming up soon though! Would you like to teach me as a gift?

no answer came

I was starting to get fed up with this behaviors so I decided to push him a little bit a few days later.

ME: wanna come to karaoke on Saturday night or next saturday night?

HIM: hi 🙂 I’ll need to check. I’m kinda seeing someone (someone from my past) and will need to check with schedules.

ME: ok. Because I wanted to see if you were down for karaoke.

HIM: I don’t but it’s fun to watch. Karaoke had never been my thing…I’m like the only theatre guy I know that doesn’t.

ME: yeah. Which is why it would be cool to have you come watch, you wouldn’t have to sing. It’s cheap bar though. I would be awesome if you could. For me?

HIM: I’m not drinking 😦 new years res

ME: lol well you could come for the support. I only drink cokes there. You make good company. Lol and you seem cool which is why I’m inviting you. To see how I shake up a conservative town…witness the magic.

HIM: 🙂

ME: so it would be cool to have you come. I turn it theatrical. Let’s plan it. Look over your schedule I took time to see your play, which rocked! Now you could see me in my element (sorta)

HIM: oh,ok…

ME: lol. My actual element is my burlesque show. I king of that castle. But that’s not until a few months into the year. So for now, this has to do. I bring outfits either way.

HIM: so I’m not sure if I like that last text about you taking time to come see my play. Kinda rubbed me the wrong way

ME: oh I didn’t mean it like that. I meant to say it another way. I didn’t mean to make it sound like a snuff or anything like a trade for trade. Sorry about that one. I just thought it would be cool to have the guy who played ________ come see me perform.

HIM: it’s cool… I know tone and text don’t go hand in hand.

ME: It would be honoring actually to see you up here. Lol I know right anyway, I’m going to work now. Karaoke is every wends and Saturday. I have 2 weeks to get it out of my system before I get back to LA to shoot the videos. I’m guessing Saturdays work best for you because of school nights. So there’s this Saturday and next Saturday. Let me know when you could make it before I leave.

HIM: cool, chat soon 🙂

Thats where I left it. Sounds like he will be a no show to this party, and the fact that he is seeing another guy doesn’t even bother me, it’s the fact that I feel professionally snubbed that bothers me. Am I wrong here? Do I have a right to ask him for that at least? Is it wrong to want that?

I do remember him saying that he wasn’t the relationship type of guy. So yeah, that also caught me by surprise but there was also a text last week where he mentioned going on a dinner date (another snub). I’m moving on from this guy. But not before I called his good friend, the one who introduced me to him accidentally via picture message…..

And what his friend told me, was basically the same story I told him, he goes on these on and off again chases where he doesn’t know what he wants. And he gave me some wise words and we both opened up about this guy and what we felt towards him, we both admitted that we did in fact start to fall for him, and stuff. And that this new guy he’s seeing isn’t in fact someone his past, it’s someone new who is about to go on and continue his cycle of churning out guys.

He has a good heart, but doesn’t know he hurts people like this. Funny thing is, I was having dreams of him being a serial killer and ended up killing me in my dream. Maybe an ode to things that came to this? Who knows. But. Friend did give me a comforting word of advice

You never know what you want until you hit rock bottom…

So true.

Sound off in comments with your thoughts.

A love note to all the Ryans in the world

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

I fucking have a knack for finding the weird Ryan’s of the world. I know that all of the Ryan’s aren’t like this but once again, it’s me we are talking about, and I happen to attract the weird ones.

The first experience I had with a Ryan was with some guy I went to school with. Since 7th grade I was sure this kid liked me. And not in that best friend in high school sort of way. He actually tried getting into my pants while at school and on the school bus. Needless to say this guy was but ugly and a super nerd. I gently refused his offer and extended my hand as an offering of friendship instead. He would continue to deny me a friendship and continued to persue me, and I continued to turn him down. After a few rounds of this he then began circulating rumors. Small ones at first, then bigger and bigger and he would tell kids that I slept with him and that I was a nasty dirty hoe in bed. (that part he did get right). So this continued until graduation. I just shook it off.

My next experience with the demon named Ryan came in the form of a former BF:

This person I was with was caring and loved me. We did have sex, numerous times and we built a trust and eventually had sex without condoms. Everything was perfect. This person was older, now 33. And was on a cane due to back issues. I overlooked that because I was in love. I would visit often, with gifts. I introduced him to my sister and my good friends.

And this poor sap uses his grandfathers death to break up with me. I didn’t know we where finished at this point, but all communication had stopped for almost a month.
I finally gave him an ultimatum through the phone. And I get a text that says that he found someone else. And I just didn’t fit into his life. He should’ve told me this sooner so I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself. He eventually came to tell me that I bothered him with my visits and that we where never seeing each other.

I moved on. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I’ve got someone else now. Someone who really has an interest in me and someone who wants to spend the time to get to know me for who I am as a person. And is not a wreched tool like he was. I did love him. It hurts, but I’m better off without him.

I never liked your prissy high class musical tastes anyway. Prick. I hope you have time being with your “court” and your faggy ways. I hope that because of your actions your “Gay Duke” status gets taken away. And then your sorry ass gets dumped. Just like you did to me. Karma is a bitch man, and she’s got her eye on you.

I thought I was rid of the Ryan’s of the world until a few years later down the line flash forward to 2010. I met on Adam4adam a so called Ryan. Ryan was a cool guy that lived in LA, a few miles from me (about 5) in LA 5 miles is basically, a one hour drive in the city, but I endured it and met this Ryan.

Behold, the perfect sign of a bad hookup was apperant the second I saw him. This Ryan was Palestinian, and pissed. (and a raging alcoholic) he lived in a back refurnished room in the garage, and listened to led zeppelin and all sorts of classic rock jams. He was smart, good looking, and always drunk, so at least he would know how to fuck right?!

Everything was awesome. The way he spoke German to me was flawless and his knowledge of LA was astounding. I was hooked! Not to mention he had a huge boner heart. But the interesting thing about him was his ability to only get off and become hard when he started to choke me, pretty damn hard. And then he proceeded to give me the look of death and I was sure that in the morning, they were going to find my filleted body in a ditch black dahlia style. Needless to say. I was stupid enough to go back for more…

I know, I was askin for it. I would finish my day from work and I would text him about coming over at least 2 times a week, I wasn’t looking for a BF, just a constant FB. I had found it in this guy. He was attractive, but angry at the works for some reason and I could never pin point it as to what exactly. But I was getting a rush testing the waters of Ryan. I had only 5 sexual encounters with this guy, and they were good, but it was the fact that he was very rough with me that prohibited me from returning on a more constant basis. Also, he would really like my hair and made me well aware at how good it was. Be was testy, and mean and wished death to everyone.

But I thought it was hot.

Hmm… Come to think about it, Ryan’s aren’t really that bad………..

I need to get me another Ryan real soon….

A love note to all the Tim’s of the world

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

I hate you…

Yes I said it. I have managed to find some sort of correlation to the people that wrong me and the name Tim. Tim is my rival for eternity. I don’t know if I have wronged a Tim in a previous life, but for some reason I find myself being screwed over by Tim everywhere. (not all the Tim have done this to me,but a good 90% majority have done so).

Let me explain :

To the fool who used to trash can me and terrorize me in middle school and well into high school by dumping me into the dumpster every week, it was a Tim.

To the idiot who stole my very first boyfriend away after 3 years of dedicated happiness, Tim.

To the jackass dentist that accidentally picked my tongue with his pick and caused me a lot of pain, Dr. Tim.

To the man who’s boyfriend caused him to call me a fat ass gay sad person…Tim.

See why Tims plague me? It’s too uncanny how the people who have managed to get under my skin have all shared that name. Perhaps it’s fate? Devine intervention? Or just coincidence. Either way I think I’m developing a certain type of phobia,

A fucking Timopheliac is what I’m becoming.

It’s rediculous. If I meet a guy with that name, I cringe and await his handshake to crush my perfectly manicured and trimmed hands with some sort of soul sucking power of death. Naturally I have become quite rebellious and hesitant to give any Tim a chance because of this, but I have yet to meet a nice genuine Tim. I hope I do.