Archive for the ‘comedy’ Category

Losing my touch

Monday, August 13th, 2012

Well, here I am, sitting down at my dads restaurant and eating a spinach chicken quesadilla and sadly writing and ranting about random things that I only tell my best friends about… And you.

But I feel like I am losing my touch about a lot of things and I’m becoming far more irritable at certain people because of it. Truth is, I don’t even know what’s driving me to the point of acting like this. Could it be that I’ve finally had enough of all the crass and the games in my life? Could it be the fact that I was just used one time to many? Or could I just be going through a spell of meanness and everything should be perfectly fine?

I don’t know but I feel like its getting to me.

I’m not much for being clingy or anything, but remember that guy I wrote about in the previous post? The daddy? Well, it’s all been going pretty nice and dandy…over text message. And the other one I’m interested in meeting keep sending me the one word answers like

” hey what are you up too? Pretty hot day isn’t it?”

“yep”

“What are you up too?”

“nothing”

“OMG! I’m totally going to go on a fun trip up to Fresno pretty soon? Care to tag along?”

“yep”

“ok, are you even interested in actually meeting me?”

“yep…I would love to eat you out. I can eat ass for days yumm.”

“OK, we should hang out first, lol”

“ok”

This is what I’m being subjected too and it’s frankly not getting anywhere, and it’s been like this for the past month and a half. And it irritates the fuck out of me! Usually I would’ve just stopped communicating with him but I am probably just grasping at straws right now.

The next one, I accidentally stood up or as I like to. Sugar coat it as missed connection. I had invited a guy to come drink with me after work last night. He strangely, agreed to do it and I was looking forward to it the whole work day. Here comes 11 PM and I quickly change into something cute at work and drive myself to the bar….

… And he’s not there..

oh great! I tell myself, I got stood up. After flinging my gross ass BK dinner back into my bag and the anger started boiling snide of me after waiting over an hour, the bartender comes up to me and says if I was waiting for someone. To which I proceeded to say
yes, I was,

OH HE WAS HERE EARLIER!!! you had just missed him

goddamnit FUCK ME!! I had not only wasted my time for an hour, I had just stood someone up unintentionally. The best part was the fact that he even took up my offer and actually SHOWED UP TO THE BAR!! I was now mad at myself for missing that. Rumor has it he’s still interested.

The other one, from this weeks previous post, is still chatting me up and the options are still open, but I work opposite schedules and eventually getting back together with him just seems to be getting smaller and smaller. But I’m still fighting to hang out with him, and it kills me to know that it won’t be happening this week either because of my fucked up work schedule. The more I plan on doing something, the more fucked up my work week becomes, like the gods are conspiring against me. what the fuck am I supposed to do?? am I supposed to live my life as a hermit? At least in LA, I got as much dick as I wanted, why is it that much harder to actually do something out here in the forest? Prudeness? I think not.

only in this town do straight guys sleep with gay guys and not call it homosexual

I’m sorry,but if you agreed to have sex with a guy, be it once or twice, but that act alone is in fact homosexual. Then turn around right afterwards and say.. Nah, I’m still straight, fuck you next week?

Riiight…

Not prudes at all, just a town of repressed sexuality.
btw, I dont sleep with straight men, my gay friend does…and he ONLY sleeps with straight men
Makes you think right…. But that’s another conversation for another blog post.

I just want to put on my pair of banana socks on again and have a good week..

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A Fatherly Affair Pt. II

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

The next morning was incredibly awkward. I had finally met the daughter he was much so raving about and she was pretty awesome. I actually liked her even thought I only met her for a full on minute.  But I’ve been there, I know what it’s like being that kid who sees a parent sleep with someone else who isn’t your mom (or in this case, dad). So I have m reservations and my respect for them. Because I am one of them.

That morning we watched a little bit of the olympics. and We just talked about stats in the living room and after that I finally went my way after all of the events of the previous 24 hours, I had finally decided that it was all worth it. I actually would like to be this guy’s friend, he is after all, a pretty awesome guy who has a pretty sweet job in the UC system and he drinks and isn’t stingy. WHATS NOT TO LIKE ABOUT HIM!  I drove home feeling a little bit more confident that I was when I first arrived in Merced. Mostly, beside the fact that I got some dick, I felt like I connected with someone who was just plain awesome and didn’t really care what anyone thought.

I love that about people.

We even felt completely enthusiastic and sincere about meeting up again in a week and doing something friend-esque. like going on trips and seeing new things. Those are things I never get to do very often and I would love doing them (even more so with a fun person, my  “intellectual”, lawyer ex was very “let’s do this but let’s be very rational and careful about playing miniature golf”) So I need someone spontaneous  and fun and carefree but responsible.

All these things raced in my mind and i was excited I found a new friend. I texted him

“Thank you for an awesome time” and he responded very positively about it.  And I continues on my way.

Lets see how this one plays out. sounds promising…

A Fatherly Affair Pt. I

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

Who would’ve thought! Me, Ricardo Gonzalez, go out and hang with a man that is slightly older than me? When I mean older, I’m talking about him being in his 40’s and me being in my mid 20’s. Thats not too big of a problem right? well, for the most part its not, really… It’s not. I met the guy in Merced last week and I gotta say, I was a little hesitant at first, but I bit the bullet and said, “what the heck Ricardo, why not? It’s not every day you get a day off and a chance to just not be bored out of your mind. You need a good distraction once in a  while”

So I did it.

I met this guy at his house and we actually hit it off pretty good (or at least I thought it was) It could’ve been the cranberry vodka cocktails, but I was feeling quite comfortable there speaking him up and listening to his stories. his dog was awesome. Soon enough, all aspects of my worries just melted away. (This usually doesn’t happen because fucking Ricardo has a habit of getting a little bit tooooooooo long winded in his conversations, but this time, I had met my match in that department and I was alright with it.) he was not bad looking at all so that helped. ( I don”t consider myself to be hot shit but I do have standards, albeit a little more realistic ones that others, but this guy could’ve been the Niles Hallowell Dhar of his time so I am not complaining at all.)  and he lives in a nice neighborhood and has a 20 year old daughter…….

yes, thats right a 20 year old daughter. Basically, shes the same age as my sister………

yep.

Still, I was ok with that. I was feeling rather “peculiar for cock” that day but after meeting him I wanted more than that, I actually wanted to know him and to understand his story and the feeling of wanting his bone didn’t even come up at all. I wanted to know what his daughter looked like and I wanted to just basically have a good friendship with him. And for the next 2 hours, we just drank and smoked cigarettes and laughed and talked some more. It was relaxing and I felt like he really was into me, including the fact that I was “ringmaster to a burlesque circus” and I told him exactly what I was and what I did right off the bat and he didn’t seem to mind.

Afterwards, as the sun was setting and the moon was rising, He asked me if I wanted to go out and maybe catch a few drinks at the local watering hole in Merced (which has many actually, but ehh, I’ll keep it short for the technicality of the situation) and we continued to drink the cranberry vodkas and we stopped by to eat a single taco, each of us. I felt at this point like a whore because I usually buy my own things and I have a weird feeling in my stomach when someone buys me… anything. But I was okay with it. He was cute and I liked his conversation. What more could I expect to make my night any better, I was already FAAAAAAAR from bored.

We took a stroll around the block and we talked some more and we returned to the bar and drank some more and even wanted to dance. (Some of my readers and friends will tell you right offf the bat, I hate dancing alone to music I’m not into ,but if you play the right songs, and Im in that mood, contrary to popular belief, I WILL dance, and i WILL dance WELL ( a facet of my personality I like to hide.)

So we drink and with one simple “Hey, Let’s dance?” I was ready to go dance it up. But right as we got ready to dance it was ruined by Gotye. Fuck you Gotye. get off the bloody dance floor You hipster motherfucker! 

So, This is where the night gets interesting. After going outside and taking a breather, we start to flirt a little more and more to the point that I hear him say “your getting naked in my bed.” I was okay with that, I’m actually pretty comfortable in my body so I was like, “ok”. So we then, sober (none of us got top the point of being buzzed so we all knew what we were doing) and he drove me to his place.

This is where the weirdness happens. First of all he tells me his daughter is home and she sleeps next to his room.

ok. I can deal with that.

We go into his room, play music and make out.

ok. I can deal with that.

He gets of top of me and begins grinding me.

Ok. I can deal with that.

He proceeds to take off our clothing and get hot and heavy in his bedroom with the door open.

ok. I can’t deal with that…at all.

my mind is going “oh shit oh shit!!” what if she catches us?!

I end up slipping that phrase out loud and he says.

“She knows you’re here”

oh Christ!

This must be what a parent feels like trying to have sex with a spouse.  really, but this feels so friggin good! Eventually, I made up my mind, if he doesn’t care about getting caught then I won’t either. fuck it!  We fucked.

The next morning I ran into said daughter…………….awkward.

That Cooking Feeling Pt. II

Friday, May 18th, 2012

So, I know it’s been a while since I last posted on this, and I swear I will do so more often, but I decided to come back and revisit a post I did about a month ago.

Well, I finally met the guy. In El Portal. While working at my dads taco truck. But that was it. I was hoping to get out of the truck long enough to say hi to him after my dads girlfriend took his order. That had made my day and I was so ecstatic that it had made my day awesome. I mean, come one… I got to stare at his butt all day looking out my serving window as I watched him serve beer. (He actually makes a really cute bartender) But When I finally got to leave my post and take a breather, I pulled out my wallet and made my way towards the makeshift bar and prepared my speech that I had practiced and since shelved for our first botched encounter. I had to fight my way to the bar and avoid the crowing of people and kids all wanting to get beers and sodas, but I finally made it.

Then I got served by a female bartender. just my friggin luck! I looked around to find him and nothing! I couldn’t find him, and to add salt to injury, it was the same girl who gave me the crazy look the first time I asked about him. But this time I had played it smooth. I casually asked about him and she had told me that he had gone home. Apparently , between 5 PM to 9-PM there is a need to have 2 shifts at a casual gathering event. I was floored!  I will never be able to meet the guy and he only works less that 100 feet from me! This is so frustrating. The guy knows who I am and he knows where I work. So from now on, if he really wants to meet me, then he should come to me.

That is all.

damnit, I guess I could always try again in 2 weeks.

A love note to all the Ryans in the world

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

I fucking have a knack for finding the weird Ryan’s of the world. I know that all of the Ryan’s aren’t like this but once again, it’s me we are talking about, and I happen to attract the weird ones.

The first experience I had with a Ryan was with some guy I went to school with. Since 7th grade I was sure this kid liked me. And not in that best friend in high school sort of way. He actually tried getting into my pants while at school and on the school bus. Needless to say this guy was but ugly and a super nerd. I gently refused his offer and extended my hand as an offering of friendship instead. He would continue to deny me a friendship and continued to persue me, and I continued to turn him down. After a few rounds of this he then began circulating rumors. Small ones at first, then bigger and bigger and he would tell kids that I slept with him and that I was a nasty dirty hoe in bed. (that part he did get right). So this continued until graduation. I just shook it off.

My next experience with the demon named Ryan came in the form of a former BF:

FROM A PREVIOUS POSTING:
This person I was with was caring and loved me. We did have sex, numerous times and we built a trust and eventually had sex without condoms. Everything was perfect. This person was older, now 33. And was on a cane due to back issues. I overlooked that because I was in love. I would visit often, with gifts. I introduced him to my sister and my good friends.

And this poor sap uses his grandfathers death to break up with me. I didn’t know we where finished at this point, but all communication had stopped for almost a month.
I finally gave him an ultimatum through the phone. And I get a text that says that he found someone else. And I just didn’t fit into his life. He should’ve told me this sooner so I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself. He eventually came to tell me that I bothered him with my visits and that we where never seeing each other.

I moved on. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I’ve got someone else now. Someone who really has an interest in me and someone who wants to spend the time to get to know me for who I am as a person. And is not a wreched tool like he was. I did love him. It hurts, but I’m better off without him.

I never liked your prissy high class musical tastes anyway. Prick. I hope you have time being with your “court” and your faggy ways. I hope that because of your actions your “Gay Duke” status gets taken away. And then your sorry ass gets dumped. Just like you did to me. Karma is a bitch man, and she’s got her eye on you.

I thought I was rid of the Ryan’s of the world until a few years later down the line flash forward to 2010. I met on Adam4adam a so called Ryan. Ryan was a cool guy that lived in LA, a few miles from me (about 5) in LA 5 miles is basically, a one hour drive in the city, but I endured it and met this Ryan.

Behold, the perfect sign of a bad hookup was apperant the second I saw him. This Ryan was Palestinian, and pissed. (and a raging alcoholic) he lived in a back refurnished room in the garage, and listened to led zeppelin and all sorts of classic rock jams. He was smart, good looking, and always drunk, so at least he would know how to fuck right?!

Everything was awesome. The way he spoke German to me was flawless and his knowledge of LA was astounding. I was hooked! Not to mention he had a huge boner heart. But the interesting thing about him was his ability to only get off and become hard when he started to choke me, pretty damn hard. And then he proceeded to give me the look of death and I was sure that in the morning, they were going to find my filleted body in a ditch black dahlia style. Needless to say. I was stupid enough to go back for more…

I know, I was askin for it. I would finish my day from work and I would text him about coming over at least 2 times a week, I wasn’t looking for a BF, just a constant FB. I had found it in this guy. He was attractive, but angry at the works for some reason and I could never pin point it as to what exactly. But I was getting a rush testing the waters of Ryan. I had only 5 sexual encounters with this guy, and they were good, but it was the fact that he was very rough with me that prohibited me from returning on a more constant basis. Also, he would really like my hair and made me well aware at how good it was. Be was testy, and mean and wished death to everyone.

But I thought it was hot.

Hmm… Come to think about it, Ryan’s aren’t really that bad………..

I need to get me another Ryan real soon….

A love note to all the Tim’s of the world

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

I hate you…

Yes I said it. I have managed to find some sort of correlation to the people that wrong me and the name Tim. Tim is my rival for eternity. I don’t know if I have wronged a Tim in a previous life, but for some reason I find myself being screwed over by Tim everywhere. (not all the Tim have done this to me,but a good 90% majority have done so).

Let me explain :

To the fool who used to trash can me and terrorize me in middle school and well into high school by dumping me into the dumpster every week, it was a Tim.

To the idiot who stole my very first boyfriend away after 3 years of dedicated happiness, Tim.

To the jackass dentist that accidentally picked my tongue with his pick and caused me a lot of pain, Dr. Tim.

To the man who’s boyfriend caused him to call me a fat ass gay sad person…Tim.

See why Tims plague me? It’s too uncanny how the people who have managed to get under my skin have all shared that name. Perhaps it’s fate? Devine intervention? Or just coincidence. Either way I think I’m developing a certain type of phobia,

A fucking Timopheliac is what I’m becoming.

It’s rediculous. If I meet a guy with that name, I cringe and await his handshake to crush my perfectly manicured and trimmed hands with some sort of soul sucking power of death. Naturally I have become quite rebellious and hesitant to give any Tim a chance because of this, but I have yet to meet a nice genuine Tim. I hope I do.

Why is this funny to me!

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

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Attack of the Superficial Gay Guy

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Christmas day, I was spending it with my dad and my sister and our stepmom. Everything was going great that day, my dad got his cycling bike, his golf kit and I got a lot of home decor stuff and some trinket for my iPad. We had thanksgiving dinner and everything was alright.

It wasn’t until later that night when this story took place:

It was somewhere between talking about the iPhone 4S and watching how the Grinch stole Christmas was when I received that message on Facebook. Do you ever have those moments when you think to yourself how people live in certain parts of the city and how they have their stereotypical “weho” gay guys this is one of them.

West Hollywood is full of the most superficial gay guys you’ll ever come across. They have chiseled perfect bodies.
They have amazing asses.
They have amazing jawbone structures.
They have a 32 pack given it was physically possible for them to have that.

And it breeds the most superficial fags in the entire world. One wrong look their way and you’re guaranteed a gay death in an instant for ever be banishing you from the world of the gays in Hollywood. Now I realize I don’t have that god like body , and I realize that I can enjoy a good hamburger every so often, and I know that I do not weigh 40 pounds, and I know that I don’t have an ass, but still I managed to have dignity. If you’re able to rock these guys worlds by showing 1 inch of breaking the cookie-cutter mold, they go ape sh*t …guaranteed.

I have a really good friend who granted, was supposedly going to date one of my other supposedly good friend (and I don’t know what good friends are in West Hollywood if you’re only met this person once your whole life). And that’s when the story begins.

I was watching that scene in How The Grinch Stole Christmas (where the Grinch is up on the mountain with the sleigh and is getting ready to push it over the mountain when he hears the people in whoville start to sing) when I open a Facebook and I find the strangest message:

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I was shocked! Absolutely shocked at what I had just read. in my mind I must’ve read it five or six times when it finally hit me I am talking to a superficial guy of course. And a vengeful one at that. Hell hath no fury like a fag scorned. And OOHHHH boy this is so true especially when he comments kept coming…

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One thing that a lot of the gays in weho don’t know how to do is fight. And especially, if you’ve been growing up in the woods of some back assed town roping pigs and cows, then you know how to really…really…..REALLY slap a bitch. Unfortunately for me, he was in palm springs at the time. If he had said this to my face, I would’ve lost it and maybe even taken a jab with a few words of honesty about his little pudgy sack of 2 percent body fat he. Was growing under his chin.

INTERESTING FACT:

You can make fun of a guy guys weight, his way of speaking, his queen attitude, and all sorts of definitions for calling him a slut. But you must never, ever insult his double chin. Many honorable and unnamed fag hags have died over this fatal mistake.

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The insults kept coming and I didn’t know how to respond. Well, I actually did hold my ground because I think I’m not terribly bad looking. I have a very positive outlook on life and I actually believe that there is more to life than looks. People spend so much time fixated, not just the gays, but everyone, on looks, on skin. We spend most of the time looking at something that rots in the end. We spend our time looking at something that is constantly changing. The physical always changes, like a fluid, passing through a penis, faster than a bitch can blink.

Sorta.

Anyway, a personality is much more stable and much more consistent than the body, because believe it or not my fellow gays, your partner, over time, won’t care about your looks, what he has to tolerate will be your queen attitude. Your demanding and perfectionist attitude that won’t allow you to eat more than a leaf of lettuce once a week. I myself like a guy that actually enjoys life, and isn’t a slave to his body. I know that there are plenty of attractive people who actually don’t go to the gym 6 days a week, 8 hours a day and eat only lettuce on that 7th day of rest. amen…right?

For example, I like my men to be, let’s not beat around the bush here, but I would for sure hop the bones of a Burberry model any given day, but I’m realistic. I can get a good looking guy for a one night fling, but so can everyone else. I want a stable relationship, and that to me, won’t happen if the personality is that of a cold pile of crap. I want someone that can light up my life like a juju berry (for those of the Zelda persuasion).

I want someone average that can surprise moe daily with kind gestures and feelings. There is no such thing as setting the bar to low in this situation. I’m expecting the least from someone, and allowing them to show me what they got. I’m not judgmental by doing this, I’m not being superficial about this, I’m just letting it happen as it comes. By expecting nothing, I will not be let down.

We can all have otherworldly expectations for the people we meet, and most of the time it’s those expectations, especially in that world of the godly bodied ” we hoes “, is a setup for a huge letdown.

Luckily the guys I’ve met have been attractive, not in the weho type of way either. They all have had personality and I’ve been touched (in more ways than one) by there actions and kindness towards me. I must be doing something right.

I know I don’t have the weho look, I’m far from it. And I’m proud, why?

Because I’m not insecure about my looks.
I’m not competing for attention.
I’m not vain (much)
I’m not heartless.
I don’t play games.

Yeah, I’m not like the weho guys.

Thank god.

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When a cowboy strikes

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Thursday 10:35 P.M.
Miners Inn Bar & Lounge

Well, how do I put this? The other night I was just minding my own business as I always do, doing the things I always do, and sitting alone at the bar like I always do. I remember wearing something non flashy or eye catching (usually I do but every so often I like to fly under the radar) when someone I have never seen before approaches me after I had sung my Adele song.

“Can I talk to you in private? I want to ask you something.”

Immediately, I was thinking this adorable cowboy was going to take me outside and do one of 2 things:

1. He was gonna try to beat me up…

    Or

2. He would ask me to try and beat him off.

Given my mood that night and my blatant desires for some action, I was looking forward to the latter so I took him up on his offer and followed him outside.

I’m such a whore

Outside he gave me his card and his number, the guy had just moved from some Midwest part of the states and had settled down to open up a small studio out in Bass Lake. How awesome he got to do that right? He asked me if I would be very interested in recording some music with him (unaware that I have a current contract with a friend) but what they know won’t hurt them, so I took his card and continued to converse. But there was something else…I was feeling something else…but what was it?

That whole night I would watch him sing, and when I got up to sing, he would watch me too. But I was trying to read this cowboy and what his intentions were. He was really cute, and given the chance, I could’ve possibly jumped on his bones, and I was planning on it but I wasn’t sure. Every once in. While we would catch each others eyes and he would flashes mile that would melt my heart and give me an instant hard on. I did nothing needless to say. And I went home around 2 AM and got in my PJ’s.

The next morning I took a good look at his card and took down his name and his number and saved it into my phone. I wanted to contact him again and later that day I did and I got a response. I had offered to invite him over to my place were I was legitimately going to offer him a copy of my music and a good Q&A session.

“so I was thinking about your offer last night. What if I invite yo over to my place and I can give you a copy of my music so you can listen to it and let me know what you think about it.”

Smooth way of disguising your intentions to hookup …errr…have a meeting with this guy. I had to face the facts, first of all he was a cowboy straight as an arrow, and from what I heard, he had a girlfriend who recently broke up with him so I didn’t even have a right to even try to make a move on this guy.

But he was so cute.

And then it hit me……..

I had seen this guy before! I don’t know where, but I was certain I had and I might’ve even chatted him up before, but I had to check once I got home after work. I hopped on my iPad and looked him up.

I googled him…
I Binged him…
I yahooed him…
I facebooked him…
I myspaced him…
I adam4adam’ed him…

NOTHING! Is like this guy didn’t exist at all! So I gave up on that search. if you don’t appear on any of these sites then, as a gay guy, you don’t really exist anyway. How the hell would you hookup?

I continued about my week, not contacting him anymore because I felt foolish in my intentions and lusts. A week went by and was feeling a tad bit horny so I hopped on the good ol Grindr and started chatting up the guys who live, at the closest, 45 miles from me (being on Grindr allows me to fantasize about these guys that live pretty far, sucks not having a Grindr guy in my own town).

I was looking at the cute profile pics of superficial guys when I saw the cowboy hat!

It was him!

I had found him…. Holy shit!

So I sent him the following message

“hey what’s up? Wanna fuck?”

I’m such a whore.

Small Town Icon

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

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Ever since returning from Los Angeles I have found out that I have become quite the town icon, for many reasons, both good and bad. I have a performance art style that is akin to Lady Gaga, including wearing insane and intricate outfits that never look ridiculous, but rather, astounding. I can hands down impress this community with my looks and my fashion so I eventually became an attraction at the local karaoke bar. Here, I would don these outfits and do all of my songs, and I would get the audience to dance and sing along, I’m one of the only ones who can do that because I demand stage presence and I control my crowds, it’s a talent I’ve been given, and with trial and errors, I’ve been able to perfect it as a tool.

So that’s when I have earned myself a style icon, a gay icon, and an inspirational icon.

Because of my demure and humble persona, I also gather respect from them. This is really cool and I hope to continue to do that for people in this town.